“Why don’t you sit with Lord and the verses in Luke 11… Ask, Seek, and Knock. Particularly the verse that talks about Him being a good Father who gives good gifts.”
That is what my counselor said to me after we had been sifting and uncovering the deep disappointment that had come to the surface during my session. At the beginning of our sessions, I always tell my counselor that I “dump out my purse,” and she helps sort it out and make sense of the mess. This leaves me a little uncomfortable because most of the time, she helps me discover something tucked away in my heart that needs to be opened before the Lord. I do not like that idea, but there it is, plain as day, something that needs to be shown to Him. Something I need to reveal to Him.
Of course, He already sees it, but is it not in the act of invitation, the willingness to open our deepest desires and wounds that trust is formed and faith is strengthened? It’s an act of vulnerability to say before our heavenly Father, “I am disappointed in You,” trusting that because He is good and kind, He won’t shame us or withdraw. Instead, that brave act on our part is an invitation for Him to say, “Now we can talk about this. Now you will be able to receive the love and healing I wanted to pour into that wound of deep disappointment.”
It’s an act of vulnerability to say before our heavenly Father, “I am disapointed in You,” trusting that because He is good and kind, He won’t shame us or withdraw.Mindy Seekford
What had kept me from doing this was shame, of course. The voice in my head said, “I love God and know what He is capable of. How could I be disappointed in Him? That must be wrong. I must do better and trust He knows best.”
He does know best but what He desires is a close and intimate relationship. This comes from letting Him see my heart. He is not afraid of what’s there; he already knows. He wants me to trust Him with what He knows is there. For me, this is very hard.
Sitting in disappointment with God is an intimate act of faith. He sees our anger and grief over unfulfilled desires or dreams, and we trust He is not angry with us because of our disappointment. He wants to sit with us and grieve with us over the life we did not get. He cares that much. Even though He knows the plans He has for us, even though He works all things for our good, He also knows disappointment not grieved grows a crop of bitterness. His invitation is for us to bring Him all of it and let His love and presence heal those places so that we can thrive, grow, and produce a good harvest free from the thorns of bitter disappointment.
Not only did I discover that I needed to show Him my disappointments, but I learned I had stopped asking Him for things. I had developed a fear of being disappointed because of the double-edged sword I had created within myself. I could not ask for anything because “what if I got disappointed?” Then I would be ashamed that I was disappointed. This created a hardness in my heart I didn’t know existed. It was in this place, this sitting before the Father and grieving my disappointment, that I would learn to trust Him enough to ask again.
When you ask for something, you are revealing your heart. It is vulnerable, it can be embarrassing at times, but it shows that you trust the person you are asking to give them to you. This can be very scary.
When you ask for something, you are revealing your heart…This can be very scary.Mindy Seekford
Asking God for desires opens your heart up in an intimate way. You allow Him to see what you want, opening an opportunity to trust His answer and protection so you do not try to fulfill it on your own. It gives Him space to reshape the desire to be what is for your best interest, and He will be glorified because what He gives only He can provide.
He shows us how to hold both the disappointment in what might have been and the hope of what is and can be. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is ask again.
I continue to wrestle with the asking, but in the wrestling, I am learning how much I can trust my heavenly Father to give me good things and how deep His love actually is. In this unfailing Love, my hope grows.
Mindy Seekford is a single mom of four kids (two girls and two boys), two cats, one dog, and a bird living in northwest Louisiana.
She loves to come alongside people and remind them how much they matter and are loved by Jesus. She also likes to encourage others to discover their passions and go after them. She loves to travel, dance and usually speaks in random movie quotes. You can find her on Instagram at @MindySeekford and on Facebook.